Monday, October 19, 2015

It's Done

One of the things that my husband and I wanted to do for Dylan was replacing his wooden headstone on his grave. After about two months of relentless chasing efforts, at last, the headstone supplier gave us the draft and printed the wordings to a piece of black granite stone shortly after we vetted the draft.

I spotted a couple of typos on the final headstone result when the supplier came to fix the headstone to Dylan's grave few weeks back... However, I closed one eye on those typos because the wordings had been printed anyway. Minor typos are still better than no headstone at all, considering that the supplier we engaged was quite challenging to deal with.

So yeah.. We won't be seeing the cross shadow on Dylan's grave again as we have replaced it with a sturdier headstone. 

Nice or not?

To be honest, my husband and I still visit Dylan's grave unscheduled quite often. We are against the old folk's advice that by right, the both of us shall not visit a baby's grave often and just abandon it, if possible, in order to 'set the baby's soul free and let it be reborn into another baby soon'. In fact, we purposely spent some money to fix Dylan's grave nicely and my husband occasionally goes to the cemetery simply to clean his son's grave and the wild weeds surround it. When my husband drives us to the cemetery without planning after we go out or on the way home, sometimes I casually ask him "Ei, visiting Dylan (again) ah?" He would reply, "What to do. My son is here". *long silence*

I actually barely feel anything when I visit Dylan lately.. Like I have no more sad feeling attached when I see his grave. Every time I go to see his grave, I think I just feel like visiting one of our ancestor's graves who had gone before us long time ago. Of course, the memory of us burying him on August 15th last year is still vivid but I don't really lament on his passing any more. 

I hope to close Dylan's chapter now but before I do that, I would like to share some things about Dylan and his grave.

1. Burial vs. Cremation

One of the things that I never regretted was burying Dylan instead of cremating him. I personally don't really fancy the idea of cremating one's remains. Some people find it okay to cremate their baby's remains but my heart just could not say yes to that and cremating Dylan's remains last year would be so wrong. When last year MIL told my husband to cremate Dylan's remains as per the Chinese's tradition so we didn't have any liabilities take care of Dylan's grave later on, my husband had sort of agreed to that idea for a day - I was very sad and helpless. Thank God, in the end, my husband didn't follow his family's advice in cremating Dylan's remains into ashes otherwise I would be broken-hearted for the rest of my life. 

Now that we had buried Dylan hours after his birth, we had the options to abandon the grave, visit it, do nothing on it or make it better. We went ahead with the latter and still visit the grave once in a while - not to sob next to it but to clean it. 

I am actually happy with our decision to bury Dylan so we still can take care of him somehow, not totally forgetting him. And when we sort of miss him or something, we can visit his grave. 

2. To visit or not visit

I think there is nothing wrong with angel parents visiting their baby's grave. I don't have any pantang or taboo about it. However, the frequency of visiting the grave and your emotional state when you visit the grave could be unhealthy for you if you cannot manage your grieve or sadness well as yet. For instance, I don't think visiting the baby's grave every single day after you lost him or her would ease your pain. No pun intended but I would think it would almost be equivalent to rubbing salt into the wound instead. Why? Because when I just lost Dylan, visiting his grave was such an emotional whirlwind to me. Back then, I often requested my husband to accompany me to see Dylan's grave in the cemetery because I missed him terribly. However, when I was actually in the cemetery, standing in front of his grave, I became even more sad. I turned myself in a more vulnerable state before I went to the cemetery. I teared. My heart was crushed once more. 

Understanding these patterns, I decided not to go to the cemetery or visit Dylan's grave for a long time until I coped with my grieve better and could accept Dylan's passing in a more resolved manner. Many months after Dylan had gone; I think I managed to slowly get my head and heart back in order, although I could not forget him completely. The pain in my chest was lessened so by the time I had to go to the cemetery for Dylan's first anniversary, fixing his headstone, seeing my husband cleaning the grave, etc... I didn't feel so sad or depressed any more. So yes, I believe you can go to visit your baby's grave but maybe not so frequent, especially when grieve is still new? 

Finally, let be gone be bygone and don't underestimate time for its power in healing our feelings and emotions. 

Having said the above... Some 14 months and few days later, I guess this is it - The end of the chapter of Dylan's story? =) 

Rest in Paradise, angel son. Mom and Dad still keep you in our hearts, to where you are.

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