As I shared in my previous blog post, for Dylan's first anniversary, my husband and I intended to visit Dylan's grave. So far, only my husband and I remember or pay attention to anything related to Dylan, such as his birth/death day, and usually only the two of us, sometimes Naomi too, visit his grave. Other family members (except my parents and parents-in-laws) don't know where Dylan was laid to rest and all of them, our parents included, wouldn't remember the exact day when Dylan was born sleeping either. I suppose, in our culture, a baby that already passed away is generally meant to be let go and forgotten so that's why family members rarely talk about the baby nor visit the baby's grave. I even had to casually inform my Mom via BBM chat that last Saturday was Dylan's first anniversary and her response was as simple as "Is it?". "Yep.", I replied.
The sky poured rain several times on Saturday. This could be just another coincidence but whenever we have a plan to visit Dylan, I think Mother Nature always sends us some rains. The world's next big mystery, this one is.
Before we headed to the cemetery, I told my husband to make a trip to the florist in town first to buy some flowers. Since it was a raining afternoon and Naomi was just napping in my arms, I stayed in the car while my husband went to buy the flowers. From the car, still in the mood of Lavender colour, I instructed my husband to get some soft pink/purple chrysanthemums instead of the yellow or white ones.
After we got the flowers, the rain got heavier somehow. By the time we reached to the cemetery, it was still raining. I asked my husband if we should wait in the car or go back home first until the rain stopped then we place the flowers on Dylan's grave. He shook his head, took the umbrella out and got out of the car.
15.08.15: This is for you, angel baby.
I didn't want to wake Naomi up as yet because she just started dozing off minutes ago and if this girl doesn't have enough afternoon nap, she'd be a cranky little monster for the rest of the day. As such, I didn't get leave the car and just watched my husband cleaning Dylan's grave and putting the flowers there alone.
My husband braving the rain.
The visit was brief. I think we were only there for about 15 minutes or so?
Finally, I think it was relatively easy for me to go through Dylan's first anniversary last Saturday. No sadness, no heavy heart.. Perhaps just a pang of heartache when the flashback on August 15th last year came across. I certainly had more dreadful thoughts when I expected his EDD to come in October last year. Other angel Moms out there would probably be able to relate to this.
A year had gone by.
There's nothing like a path that angel parents have to walk.
The first year was indeed an indescribable journey of survival.