Today's the 15th is rather special.
Today is Dylan's first anniversary.
A year to remember.
Last year, on this date around this hour, I was still in the hospital, waiting to be cleared by my Gynae so I could be discharged. My husband was probably busy running around or making phone calls, arranging for his newly born son's burial which later on took place as soon as I left the hospital.
I remember on the way to the cemetery, I kept on hearing this loud heart-wrenching weird singing. A song that surely was not meant for the living. It was a song that was so eerie, sung in alien language. I thought I had gone mental because my son had died and I kept hearing this very odd song that perhaps was sung by angels. Was I listening to some divine sign from above, that Dylan had finally gone to Heaven or something? Turned out, I was not the only one who heard that song. My husband told me the funeral car that carried Dylan's remains and coffin played this song all the way from the hospital to the cemetery. God.
Speaking of the 15th this time around, I plan to go to visit Dylan with my husband later today and bring some fresh cut flowers for my son. I thought of bringing him a toy or colourful flower wind wheel but I likely cancel the latter idea.
Weeks ago, my husband actually managed to find a headstone supplier who could replace Dylan's current wooden headstone with the one made from granite. I wanted a nicer, sturdier and proper headstone for my son's first anniversary. Who knew that the supplier we engaged is so unreliable and until now he has not even given us the draft to vet before he lays the writings I came up with into the granite headstone. This supplier said he could do Dylan's headstone in two weeks and we have given him the 75% payment for the job.. It's almost a month now and still nothing.
So it's been a year.
When Dylan just passed away, I really could not picture myself a year later. A year later was such a distant place to go to. It almost sounded like I'd need a lifetime to travel to a year later. Then, I didn't know how I was going to go through one day without tears or thinking of him. Later on, I found out that the tears had stopped coming on daily basis but a spark of his memory lingers in my head. Every single day. I just can't shake him off although I am not sad any more.
And here I am now.
I have (emotionally) survived 365 days.
As I may have said before - Time does heal apparently, although it takes time. Little by little the emptiness and bottomless sorrow that I felt lessened by distracting and keeping myself busy, crossing some items in my bucket list, focusing on doing the things that I enjoy as well as trying to count my blessings instead of my losses. Before I continue, I must clarify that the last point mentioned above is the hardest to do. In a nutshell, that's how I learnt to live my life again - after my stillborn.
Still longing for Rainbow.
I now have new dreams and hopes for the future and look forward to make them come true. I still don't know "why" I lost my son - why it happened to me, to us. Nonetheless, I try my level best not to look back too frequently and leave the past in the past.
I have accepted my loss, but have not forgotten it. As yet.
Happy first anniversary (in Heaven), Dylan!