I have been very busy this month, hence the blogging hiatus.
Although days seem to pass more quickly when I am busy, I don't forget the 15th.
Today's the 15th marks the exact 3 months since I gave birth to sleeping Dylan. Earlier this afternoon, my husband and I dropped by the Christian cemetery where our son is laid rest. It's been a while since the last time we went there but sadly, I didn't manage to buy any flowers for my boy today. I promise the next time I pay him a visit again, I won't come empty handed.
On our way to the cemetery, my husband talked about replacing Dylan's current wooden headstone and planting some pretty flowers surround it. He intends to build a nice headstone or plaque for Dylan using black marbles and engrave the wordings with golden paint. While I agreed to renovating Dylan's grave site, I also expressed to my husband that it still felt rather surreal for both of us to discuss on revamping our baby's burial ground instead of decorating his nursery. He replied, "Well, life has its ups and downs.".
My heart still aches and feels very heavy every time I see the black wooden cross with Dylan's name in the cemetery. It is hard to admit that a small baby is sleeping below that cross, buried six feet under a cold ground. And that baby was mine.
Dylan's burial site is now even and fully covered with green grass. Someone had planted a plastic pink rose there. We don't know who did it but of course, I don't mind.
My eyes burst into tears when my husband suddenly rubbed Dylan's wooden headstone and called him by his Chinese name, 子敬. I once asked him why he never addressed his son with his Chinese name every time we bring him into discussion. He said he is used to call his son Dylan because he never got the chance to call Dylan's Chinese name with family members as we hardly ever talk about Dylan with our parents or other core family members.
Anyhow, I wanted to stay a bit longer at the cemetery today but it was drizzling and the sky was pretty dark too. November is a rainy month and today is not an exception. As such, my husband and I decided to end our visit.
This very day, I arrived to the cemetery as a strong mother but was weeping and emotional when I left it.
I miss my son.
Nonetheless, I am at peace, completely knowing that he is now safe in the arms of his Father.