Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I Am Not Alone

This whole morning I was on the verge of losing myself. My stuck (work) projects and current estranged relationship with one of my siblings drove me to the wall. The past three days have left me uneasy and hostile. I just felt like I was under enormous amount of stress, the sky was falling down on me and nobody could save me! I do not think I was having PMS but I felt like so. I have been attacked by headaches, neck pain, acne breakout and nightmares. I was in bad mood day and night, and literally reached to the point where I could break down into pieces anytime.

I hit the bottom like this pine cone hit the ground.

I had to finish my work ASAP but this morning I just could not focus. I pointed the cursor on my laptop screen here and there but did not go anywhere nor actually click something useful. I tried to make some work related phone calls but seconds after I started a conversation with an operator in Manila, I ended up being scolded back by her - owing to my bad mood that affected my rude speaking tone to her I guess, although I didn't mean it at all.

I was so emotional and whined to my husband about how unhappy I was with my current life. I wonder why I'm still breathing until this very second and I told him that my life is so meaningless. My ugly statements upset and hurt him. Soon, I quit the conversation my him because I didn't feel like talking to anyone anymore.

I was on my own.

Then, I calmed myself down. I took a long deep breath and vacuumed myself from thinking of my work or my on-going problem with my sister for a while. I made myself think straight. Minutes later, I gathered how I foolish, selfish and unappreciative I was. I had taken my life for granted! I said and thought of the things that I should not say or even dare to think about. I should be grateful and contented with everything in my life.

Next, something knocked some senses into my 'troubled' head. I remember that I am not the only one in this world who is battling with issues. I am not alone. There are other people who are battling with more serious issues than me now. For instance, my uncle from Indonesia who had just been diagnosed with last stage of stomach cancer few days ago. He flew all the way to Malaysia to treat his disease but only to find out that the doctors in Penang have given up on curing him. He is facing a life and death matter now but still trying not to think so much about his condition. He is giving his best to live normally and be happy. What is my current problem compared to his now?

Regarding my work issues, I reminded myself that I am not new with my work. I am not a newbie in my field. I have been doing this work over and over again for years, the challenges and pressures I encounter are not novel and I had even managed to pull through bigger and more complex projects before. Why break down now? Work is work and somehow as time goes by, I believe that the universe would conspire to help me finish my work, as long as I do not quit. I should be thankful that I am still employed. There are people who are not so fortunate compared to me out there. Those who are looking for jobs but have difficulty in securing one. Or those who have to physically work really hard under the scorching sun to earn some bucks.

A reflection: How lucky we are, or rather I am, compared to this poor man?

My problem with my sibling is not breaking news either. I have gone through exhaustive on-and-off sibling relationship with her forever; yet, I am unable to resolve this.

In conclusion, I should take my life easy. What I am going through now is normal. I have to live my life like the old man I met in a rural area in China pictured in below photo. He is 77 years old now and makes a living by rowing a bamboo boat in a remote area in China but seems to enjoy his simple life and his job. He is happy and able to share his wide smiles to the world.

Live life peacefully like him!

Stop complaining! Worry not. Fret less. Take life easy and simple.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you." 
1 Peter 5:6

"God wastes nothing in your life. Every disappointment can be a new appointment. Every stumbling block can be a new starting block. Every tombstone can be a new stepping stone. When you are walking in your purpose, even when bad things happen, they will all work together for your good."
Rome 8: 28

3 comments:

  1. Hi, I've been through this before, but believe me, it's just temporary. I think this is a just another stage in life to test how strong you are to handle and overcome it, which I'm sure you can, with support from people who truly love you.

    About your sister, dare I add, blood is thicker than water. Everything will be fine soon.

    =)

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  2. Hi V,

    Thanks for the encouragement. You're right, our feeling so low is usually just a phase. Temporary in nature. And you are indeed right again about "blood is thicker than water" - which makes things more than complicated, eh? Haha.

    Anyway, thanks for dropping by again!

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