Monday, January 25, 2010

It Isn't Normal Anymore

Last Friday morning, I had a very bad stomach cramps accompanied by spasm. In my entire life, I never had such a bad and frightening medical experience like this. I kept on tossing on my bed because the cramps in my stomach bit me so hard until I could not breath. I could not move my hands and fingers. My face was stiff and so did my tongue. I could not pronounce properly. For quite some time, I knew what stroke sufferers would feel when they can't move some part of their bodies.

I was very worried with the spasm and in terrible abdominal pain. From my room, I finally cried for my house mate's name who was luckily still in the kitchen having her breakfast. I cried for her names many times but my voice was too soft and I could not call her name properly. My upper body felt like frozen. Finally after trying to shout her name again and again for about ten times, she could hear me and came over to see me.

She was frantic seeing my condition then tried to call few doctors to come over to our house. However, some doctors in the neighborhood do not provide this service and if they do, they'd charge $150 for checking patients at their premises. My housemate tried to persuade me to walk to the clinic across our block. I refused her in the beginning as I really had a hard time moving my body and my cramps were still killing me.

After I felt slightly better, she finally walked me down to the clinic. It was a rainy morning. I saw the look of the doctor when he saw me again that morning. I just checked myself in that clinic earlier this month due to prolonged sore throat and flu. He asked me what happened and put his stethoscope on my lower stomach.

In the end, his verdict was severe menstrual cramps and anxiety attack. I was too panic that morning, breathed too fast, ran out of oxygen and hence I had spasm attacks too. He gave me pain killers and pills for my muscle pain post spasm then told me not to think too much.

I had to take MC again. My housemate was worried and came to work late. And I had to spend $60 extra this month for this unexpected expense. My colleagues expressed their concerns about me that Friday via SMS. My superior called me into his office this morning to check what is going on with me. I have made several close people worried about me.

After giving this phenomena a little further thought, firstly I am only 25 years old and already diagnosed with anxiety attack. I saw doctor about three months ago for prolonged headache which turned to be a stress headache. Before this spasm episode, roughly two weeks ago I experienced the same headache for about one week. Obviously, taking vitamin B complex as prescribed earlier can't help me much this time around. What's wrong with me?

Earlier today, I did some legwork in the internet about anxiety disorder. Turned out, anxiety is caused by constant worries and fears that may not be real which cause my disability to relax. I read all the symptoms and to my horror, I realized I have most of them.

Reading at the possible anxiety symptoms stated in the internet, I am quite positive that I am now suffering from it. My worry and fearful mind now has taken its physical toll on me. I am tensed most of the time for no real reason. I can't relax anymore. Sometimes I do have body, head and muscle aches. I close my eyes at night but can't really sleep, therefore generally still feel tired in the following morning. I think I sleep but I don't rest. I get tired pretty fast. I dread over work and some other personal things. I worry constantly over something which does not really happen just yet. I felt restless. My head just keeps on thinking. And as long as I could remember, I think I've been experiencing these for months already.

My biggest worry about my anxiety now is that this may and will affect other people around me too. Somehow, my dear ones would get the impact and have to deal with my anxiety as well. I really don't want this.

I think I've figured out the root of my constant worry and fear and I do really want my normal life back. I want to be happy and cannot afford this for too long anymore. I want my mind, body and soul back to me. God and Darling, please help me!

"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient today as for the day is its own trouble."
Matthew 6: 25-27

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